Friday, January 16, 2009

Up and Down Days

I guess you can't help but have those days when trying to deal with our current situation. So far I've been doing rather well. Being a “Tough Cookie” as Nick would say. Last night was rather rough and so was Tuesday night. It just hits me when we are lying in bed together talking about everything and anything. We had so many talks about the fun things we were going to do with our baby and that has all been taken away. Now we are back to talking about what we are going to do with our baby “when” we get pregnant again. I HATE IT!!!

Last night, Steph, Tricia, and I, along with their kiddos went to Chili's. It doesn't make it any easier when you are around and see cute babies all the time. You can't help but think about the baby you no longer have. Of course we are going to start trying whenever we get the go ahead, but that seems like an eternity right now. We've only got 1 week down! Plus, who's to say that we will get pregnant right away? It could take us months to get pregnant this time. The next time we do get pregnant it will be scarier than this last time.

It's absolutely horrible! Sorry for my little pity party.

Tuesday, January 13, 2009

Our Rollercoaster Ride

Friday was an early morning. We left the house at 5:45am for a repeat scan before we went through with the scheduled D&C. We needed one more scan to ease our minds and reassure us that this pregnancy truly was over. Nurse Becky (absolutely wonderful) said that we needed to be at Women's Imaging Center by 7:30am so that they could squeeze us in. We were in the parking lot at about 6:45am. We checked in and had a little bit of a wait. The doctor came in and did the scan. He was soooo sweet and supportive. He reassured us that we are lucky that we know that we can easily conceive and that lots of his patients are fertility patients. He told us the exact news that we were expecting. We left the Imaging Center and went to Crave, a little café in the building. Nick had breakfast while I watched and drooled!

We were told to check in at Fannin Surgicare at 10:15 to complete paperwork. We were there a bit early and took care of it all. Nick napped in the chair while I read magazines, made calls, texted, and read kind emails. At about 10:30 I was called to go change into my surgery attire. Nick came back and sat with me as I did more paperwork with the anesthesiologist and several other people. Right when I lied on the bed and looked at Nick I started to cry. You could tell he hated to see me in this situation and be in this situation with me. He did a much better job at fighting back the tears than I did. They started doping me up when the nurse told him to give me one last kiss because if he waited any longer I might not remember it! We kissed and they rolled me away. TERRIBLE TERRIBLE feeling! I remember scooting onto another table and people all around me. They told me to think of my favorite vacation spot. St. Lucia! I heard them start talking about how they had Chinese food for lunch and I was gone. When I woke up, Nick was right there. My mouth was so dry and nasty tasting. They brought me a Dr. Pepper right away. Nick helped me change clothes and get me in my wheelchair. He got the car and off we were at about 12:30.

I was starving at this point, but could only eat light food. We stopped at Chik-Fil-A where I ate a disgusting grilled chicken sandwich. We made it home and lied around the rest of the day. Jill and Thomas came to visit for the weekend. After all of the horror stories I've read and heard, I just knew that I was going to be in pain all day. Surprisingly enough, I haven't been in any pain at all since the surgery. Friday we ate at Greek Bros. because I have been craving it for quite some time. Nick doesn't ever want to drive back to El Campo after he's there all day so he promised me that we could go if I was feeling up to it. We went and also stayed around long enough to see Jake get surprised by all of his friends there for his 21st birthday. We got home and crashed until about 10 that morning. Jill and I went to Wal-Mart for a few groceries and then it was more lying around. That night we played several board games to pass the time. Jake and SBG also came to hang out with us. My dear husband sent me a beautiful arrangement of flowers to school Wednesday after our crappy appointment on Tuesday. The flower shop delivered a beautiful cross and angel to our house Friday from my super sweet girlfriend, Stephanie and family. I'll blog about Stephanie and how we became friends another day. (Crazy how the world goes round!) Amy, another sweet girl that I work with brought over a cake on Sunday when we made it back from the Bridal Extravaganza.

This entire ordeal has been a whirlwind. It has been extremely devastating, but our chins are up. Amazingly enough, Nick and I have grown even closer together. Our marriage has been wonderful already, but things like this inevitably bring you even closer than ever. He has taken such good care of me and I love him more than I knew possible.

Friday, January 9, 2009

Series of Unfortunate Events

On December 22nd we went for our second ultrasound. Dr. Cone found a heartbeat, but said there were a couple of things not measuring correctly. He told us to come back in 2 weeks for a follow-up ultrasound. Monday was the follow-up. From the information we got from him, I went on the web and looked in the books I have and found lots of information, with nothing positive. From the 22nd u/s, we gathered that the yolk sac was a little bigger than he liked to see and the baby wasn't growing as fast as it should. A heartbeat is a trump so we tried to be as positive as we could with that.

Monday was total HELL! I was nervous all day long. Nick said that he felt like he had my morning sickness on the way to work. I tried to stay positive throughout the entire time, but it's so hard when you don't find any positive information. We made it through a half-day of school and headed for the appointment. My stomach was in knots the entire time. I lay on the bed waiting for the even more dreaded ultrasound for about 20 minutes. Evidently, the doctor was tied up with someone else because we never wait that long. He came in and well, did the wand. I looked on the screen and immediately saw that the sac was not good. I turned to Nick and said, “It's not good.” Dr. Cone didn't say anything for a minute as he searched. He didn't have to say anything because I already knew. You could definitely see the baby, limbs and all, but he said he couldn't find a heartbeat. He told us that we had several options. Wait it out and pass it on our own or do a DNC. He also said that we could have another ultrasound done with a different machine. Right now we are in limbo. I'm waiting to start spotting, but nothing so far. It's pretty much proven on the machine, but doing a DNC without spotting or some “for sure” sign that the pregnancy is over just makes me think abortion. To put our minds at ease, I think it's best that we wait for spotting and to do another ultrasound. I've already heard how traumatizing DNC is as if this hasn't been hard enough already.

Nick is the saving grace behind all of this. He has been amazing once again! Without all his love, support, and uplifting words this would be much harder than anyone would ever dream. We asked how long we would have to wait to start trying again. The doctor said that you need to wait until you are emotionally ready. When we got in the car, Nick asked me what I thought about that. I didn't have an answer. He said that he is ready to start right away! His theory: “When you get bucked off a horse, you get back on it and show them you are the boss. You don't stay off and show them you are whooped! Then they have you beat.” Funny enough, I understand his theory and agree with it.

All of this is out of our control. We know that God has a plan for us and having a baby in August wasn't part of that plan. All we can do is keep our chin up and pray for a healthy baby in the future. This is, by far, the worst feeling in the world, but I can't sit here and feel sorry for us. We have to move on and be strong. Thank you all for the numerous prayers, phone calls, texts, and emails.